Dealing With An Alcoholic: My Story
I never thought I’d be the girl to be attracted to bad boys. The ones who you know aren’t good for you but can’t stop thinking about. Well this story is about one of those boys. In my previous post I talked about my experience on Tinder and how someone changed my life (not a serious life changing event but it opened my heart and eyes in a way I didn’t feel before). I’m not going to use his real name so for the purpose of this post let’s call him “Dan”. Dan and I matched on Tinder back in April of this year and his profile seemed like your average guy. Some group shots with friends, a picture of him taken by someone. There was a picture that seemed concerning but I ignored it (it looked like he was passed out and his friends took a snapchat picture with the caption “We finally tamed the beast” or something to that effect). We messaged for a short time before meeting up, the next day to be exact. I felt comfortable enough to do so and we met at a bowling alley near his house. The “date” (hanging out or whatever it’s called since dating is hard nowadays) went well besides the obvious red flags. He asked me to order him two alcoholic drinks (which I later found out was whiskey) since he was turning 21 in about two weeks. He mentioned to me that he was in the military for a short while until he was discharged for drinking. I immediately knew this was a bad situation but my feelings towards him were good. There was immediate attraction and it was so easy to talk to him, it was natural. We exchanged numbers and the date was done.
I started noticing patterns: He would text me at odd hours, 5 am or some other time where most people would be sleeping, he always had horrible spelling and grammar, and he would always say he was drunk. He would apologize and I overlooked it as a college age guy gone crazy. He couldn’t be an alcoholic, he just was having too much fun. Or so I thought. We would meet up and the chemistry between us completely blinded me and I starting getting serious feelings towards him. We had a little fallout and barely talked for about a month before we reconnected. I’m telling you the attraction was so strong that it was inevitable. At this point it’s June and we’re seeing each other more often. It’s feeling really good, and he invites me to hangout with him at his friend’s house. I was confused since it was around 2 or 3 in the morning. I said I couldn’t and he agreed I could come see him later that morning around 8:30am. Just a little fact, he lives about 30 minutes away from me. I show up with him not there and his friend looking sad and distraught. We talk inside for about 20 minutes, he tells what happened to “Dan” earlier that morning. Since it was July 5th ( I had a gut feeling he would be extremely drunk but once again I ignored it) his friend told me that he left his house around 6am saying he wanted to hangout with his friends at the beach ( the beach is closed at that time). He couldn’t be reasoned with as I later learned he was blackout drunk. I left sad, mad, embarrassed, and confused all at the same time. I was finally able to contact him ( I had difficulty getting him to text more often) and was surprised that he actually picked up my phone call. He was extremely sorry and finally admitted to me that he was an alcoholic (I already knew: He dislocated his knee while drunk one night, he was kicked out of the army, he hadn’t returned to work since his injury, his texting habits, sleeping habits). We both broke down and I told him that his friend said I shouldn’t talk to him anymore, to which he agreed.
We spent an hour on the phone being extremely honest with each other and tears were shed on both ends. We wanted to stay together but knew it wasn’t healthy. It was truly a codependent situation. We grew accustomed to me going to the bar to pick him up because I didn’t want him drinking. To him falling asleep in my arms and lap. Preventing loneliness. I was always thinking about him, where he was, if he was safe, how drunk he was. It started becoming obsessive thoughts and I knew I should stop talking to him but I couldn’t. When he was with me he was safe. He was drinking to cope with his depression from being discharged from the army and he couldn’t stop. I mentioned AA ( Alcoholics Anonymous) to him in hopes he wanted to change….no luck.
It’s been two months since was last saw each other and almost two months of No Contact on both ends. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him or still worry about him because I do. I still care but I know he’s grown and can take care of himself, he did it before he met me. If anyone’s dealt with or dealing with someone with a drinking problem just know it’s not your fault. You can’t make them change, they have to want to change by themselves. Caring can easily turn into enabling them since they won’t see the damage their drinking has done when they sober up. My advice: Love from a distance so your heart and their heart won’t get broken. Mention ways for them to get sober then leave the decision up to them. This experience was definitely an eye opener and I’ve since been focusing on myself. Trying a new skincare routine, a change in my diet, job hunting and starting this blog just to name a few. It’s ok to pamper yourself after you pampered them.